Infertility is hard enough as it is but it is even more frustrating when your husband just doesn’t understand what you are going through which leaves you feeling annoyed, overwhelmed and alone. I recently heard a male’s take on infertility and thought it was quite interesting and helpful. It made me see our infertility through my husband’s eyes which helped me to understand his reactions to certain situations that have come up throughout our journey.
I am hoping that by sharing the male perspective on infertility that it may help others through their journeys as well.
During my conversation I was told that men and women process emotional events, such as infertility, differently and that I could be certain that my husband was hurting just as I was. A lot of women have the desire to become mothers and often that desire begins at a young age. For me it started quite young. At the age of about 10 my mom would often find me in the baby section of any store we were in. I was constantly checking out baby clothes and anything baby related. What I didn’t think about was that men often have the same desire to become fathers so of course the thought of that not happening would affect him just as it affected me.
Men also tend to think that they need to “fix” everything. But infertility isn’t something that can easily be fixed, and you cannot fix it on your own. This can be very frustrating for your husband too and apparently a man’s natural reaction is to ignore it with the hope that the pain will just go away, which is exactly what my husband did. Of course my reaction was that he didn’t care or think that it was important. I was told to be patient with him and that infertility was affecting my husband just as it was affecting me, however, men and women process things in different ways and at different times and that possibly his lack of caring/support could be a defense mechanism.
That being said, it is still crucial that each person understand what the other is going through and that you help each other through the obstacle that you are facing.
At that moment I knew that I had to have a conversation with my husband so we could figure out what we were feeling and work together through it. Sometimes it is hard for men to talk to their wives about emotional struggles as they think they need to be a strong boulder and cannot so signs of weakness. If this is the case I strongly recommend that they find someone else that they can talk to, like a friend or maybe even a therapist. If they do not seek out support, whether that is their wife or their friend, the pain and fear will build up and they could feel as though they may explode. Holding on to the guilt, pain and sadness will cause it to become something worse than it is. It could even end up making you resent each other and neither of you need that.
Infertility is not easy and it never will be. But understanding what each person is going through will ultimately help both parties. This discussion definitely helped me to see my husband’s perspective and helped me understand that he does care and that this is not easy for him either. I truly hope that after reading this you will understand your husband’s perspective as well. You may even grow closer as you go through this journey together.
I know we have.