More on Miscarriage Guilt

This is a feeling I just can't seem to shake.

My husband and I were out at a wedding this past weekend, and after a few glasses of wine...the tears came. They came hot and streaming down my face. They came fast and hard. And so did my apologies.

For some reason, I kept apologizing over and over to my husband; saying I was sorry for not protecting our baby. Saying I was sorry I didn't do more. Saying I was sorry...over and over.

The reason for this is the grief and guilt in my heart. While parts of my are at peace and see the hope that will come from all of us, a large part of me just hurts. And admittedly, I've hidden that a little and stayed strong for everyone around me. That seems to be my role alot of the time, so it's difficult to come to grips with the fact that I'm allowed to break right now.

The next morning was met with a pounding headache, and needing my girls. We set off for Kitchener for Color Me Rad, and my bff asked if I was ok, knowing the events from the previous night. I looked at her, and just started crying. I said no, that it was all overwhelming and I was hurting. We just sat in the car and she let me cry. I needed to; my soul needed to.

One thing that I am realizing is that I'm not sure that the grief and guilt will ever go away. I know, rationally, that there's nothing that I could have done to prevent the miscarriage {And I think my bff's for reminding me this constantly} but the grief will certainly be carried on, and I hope against hope that the guilt will go away.

Painting, running and writing are helping, but there's an immense hole in my heart. For the most part, the guilt that I feel is more the sense that I've let someone very important down: my husband. He has been incredible through this, and we have talked about everything very openly, but I just cannot get over the feeling that what happened with my body has made him sad.

I know ultimately, it's nothing that I did. I know that it was out of my control. I do believe that it happened for a reason. But, I still feel guilty. It's a strange mix of emotions and, to be perfectly honest, it's an awful feeling.