I Will Wait...For You

I don't typically write about our little family or give a hugely personal view into our life. I like keeping thing light and airy, pretty and inspirational but something happened that my soul needs to get out.

On August 19th, I woke up and saw some spotting. Now...this usually would be normal but not when I was 10weeks pregnant with our second babe. {we were planning on announcing VERY soon as my belly looked about 17weeks along}

I called our doctor, talked to the nurse and waited for Colin to come home. Off to the hospital we went, and straight into triage. The nurses at LHSC were fantastic, and I will be eternally grateful to them for being so understanding, reassuring and calming when I was confused and scared.

After we eavesdropped on our {rather animated} ER neighbours, the doctor did an ultrasound. The words no pregnant woman wants to hear followed...

I see a sac, but nothing inside.

Pardon? You what?

We prepared for the worst, and after half a bag of IV fluids, were off to ultrasound for an internal. I went in with the loveliest ultrasound technician ever {and in my haze, I completely forget her name...whoever you are, thank you}, but laid there scared while Colin paced in the hall.

She showed me everything and explained everything, even though she shouldn't have. She said she couldn't let me leave the room with her knowing and me not...

The babe stopped growing at around 7weeks.


My heart sank, and I bawled.

After confirming with another technician the growth and lack of heartbeat, they brought Colin in so he could see our babe and we could just be alone in the moment.

We got wheeled back to the ER and waited.

and waited...and waited some more. We cried alot, and I just kept saying that I wanted to go home. It took about an hour before the doctor came over, and only because the nurses had already been to see us, got the sense that we already knew and that we needed to be sent home fairly immediately.

After we spoke with the doctor, we were told that we had an appointment on the 21st {post to follow} with an early prenatal specialist to go over our options.

We went home, told Colin's parents and got the biggest hugs from our Bear. He didn't understand, but we told him that the baby was sick and went to be with Grandpa in Heaven.

It's been a very long week, but I wanted to write about it. Knowing how many of my beautiful friends who have been through this, some multiple times, I just feel like women suffer in silence with this incredible amount of pain. They mourn someone that they didn't even get a chance to say hello to, feel kick from the inside, or look in the eyes. They do it alone, and I don't think that's fair.

We need a voice, and I know that I have a safe {and well supported} one here.

On our way home from the hospital, I heard this song on the radio and it really spoke to my soul.

For now, sweet babe...I will wait, I will wait for you....