After a month of daily selfcare, writing out my heart and taking my supplements regularly, I was ready to see Dr. Martens again.
A few days before my appointment, my period returned and this time there was no pain. No nausea. No cramping. No heavy flow. No cravings, even! I felt even, dare I even say normal.
A new normal. A shift.
This change was so good and so welcome.
I shared my experience with Dr. Martens and I feel as though I've found my new normal. She agreed and we rejoiced, then I hopped up onto the treatment table to drift off to sleep for a little acupuncture induced nap!
I want to talk a bit about this process of writing each day. It's become so incredible for me, and I foresee these pages making their way to print and being bound in collections to share, mindfully, with others who are struggling with their darkness. My process of writing isn't always pretty, but it's been helpful in letting me feel and navigate things like death and fear. Namely, processing the grief I've been holding over my Dad's death.
I wanted to share with you these words, ones that I wrote on the anniversary of his death.
All at once, the magnitude hit me like a wave. A wave crashing down with such force, that I had no time to prepare, or recover.
Today. This date. It always catches me off guard, yet I always know it's coming.
The wave hits, and I'm pulled under. I can't breath, and there's no use fighting.
My heart breaks. It shatters into a million pieces, my soul seeping out between the cracks.
Today. This date. It makes my bones ache, my body hurt. The magnitude of losing you crashing on me like a wave.
It hits over and over, and I feel the wave starting to swell as the date draws near.
It's almost over. Just hold on. I'll spend a year putting the pieces back together, only for it to hit again.
You see, this cycle of grief is never ending. Be it the loss of a parent, friend, teacher, mentor. The loss of a child. It's always there, deep inside, and for me...writing has given me an outlet again, a safe place to let my heart out so that I can breathe.
One thing that Dr. Martens said that really stuck with me was when I mentioned how the scale is still going up and down like a yo-yo, but I don't really seem to care. I'm not beating myself up about it anymore, because things fit differently and I feel differently. She said that often when we immerse ourselves into a practice of selfcare, and we truly start loving ourselves, that the conversation shifts and the other measures that we used to use to define us start to matter less. Things like the measuring tape, scale, training schedule and all of the failure and guilt that comes along with them.
I'm in such a great place, and while I know that it changes from day to day, month to month, I have the tools to get through it all and be true to myself.
One more appointment to go!!